Take your Dick-Traitor-Ship and shove it
by 3DBABE1999
Summary: SPOILERS for Season 9. (Most especially Season 9 Episode 22 "Stairway to Heaven.") Other WARNINGS inside.


|"Take your Dick-Traitor-Ship and shove it."|

WARNINGS: SPOILERS for Season 9, an 'F' bomb (but only as in saying something was a real mind F***), temporary Main Character Death or a very Near Death Experience, mentions of NonCon happening to a Main Character when they were still a child, mentions of Child Neglect and Abuse (Physical, Mental and Emotional.) It's a OneShot that's going to have an INSTANT Sequel (meaning I'm writing it now and Posting it about an hour after this goes up) that's going to be called "How Sam Winchester got his own Narrative back."

**A/N:** An Au(ish) version/ending to Season 9 Episode 22 "Stairway to Heaven, because I really wanted to see Sam leave, after Dean said what he said…. This makes TWICE now over just the last two Episodes where Dean said some really crappy things to Sam.. Or left the 'unspoken subtext' hanging ever so obviously in the air with absolutely no apology.. SO… Here I go..

~0~

"_**We are not a team. This is a dictatorship. You don't have to like it, but that's how it's gonna be**_**."**

Sam just bit his tongue but he wanted to say "News Flash… It's ALWAYS been a dictatorship.. First dad, now you."

He'd read it somewhere.. On a Critic's summary of the Supernatural Book Series (and, yeah, he sometimes looks that crap up online, because he can't help but want to try to see if his future's actually been written (and posted) yet, or if he can still safely hold onto the illusion that his future is his to decide, at least for one more hour, day, week, month.. But he knows in his heart that he's kidding himself, because he can read about what he did last week today and he knows that, that means that Chuck saw all of this crap happening too and that means that just because he hasn't seen what he's going to do in the next three thousand, sixty seconds posted as a new part of the Supernatural Series, it doesn't mean that what he's about to do hasn't already been written about, for years… It would have been really nice if Chuck had… Given him a heads up, maybe?... At least, SOME KIND of warning, even a subtle one like "It doesn't end with throwing yourself, Michael and Lucifer into The Cage for you…" (_No GOD apparently hates you enough to have you pulled out of there just so your own brother can succeed at what, John Winchester, Growing up without a mom (and not getting to know a lot about her, because both Dean and your father had effectively shut you out when it came to anything having to do with her.. Dean and your father could have all the memories they wanted of Mary and you just had better not dare to ask them to share any of those memories with you unless you wanted someone to shout at you before slamming a door (both literally and metaphorically) in your face or worse), Three Child Raping Bastard's, Jessica's Death, Yellow Eyes, Dean's MANY deaths and near deaths, The Trickster/Gabriel, Zachariah, Ruby, Lillith, Cass or even Lucifer himself couldn't accomplish even after Lucifer had his talons in you for over a hundred eighty years.. Dean, your brother, your own flesh and blood, the only family you have left, the only REAL DAD you ever really knew, is going to finally BREAK you.._)..) that John (no last name mentioned.. Boy, Chuck really hadn't been kidding about NEVER having written down their last name, had he?..) had become a hunter after his wife Mary was killed by a demon with Yellow Eyes and then he had 'recruited' his two young sons Sam and Dean to be hunters as well…

So, his _father_ "Recruited" him and Dean?...Well… That gives the illusion that he and Dean had actually had a choice in the matter, which… To so many people out there, reading a story of HIS life, made him look like he had actually willingly agreed to devote/sacrifice his life to hunting then, couldn't handle the heat of 'the work' and like the 'selfish', 'ungrateful', 'immature', 'irresponsible', CHILD that this assumption made him look to be, he had fled, had 'abandoned' his family to pursue his own selfish interests, then big brother Dean had been so magnanimous as to come and get him in an attempt to try to make their family whole again by extending a benevolent hand of forgiveness and he (Sam) had apparently (according to some of the more 'adamant' fans of the Supernatural Book Series) been treating Dean 'like crap' ever since.. so many people read the books and so many of them agreed that Sam was some sort of 'bratty', 'ungrateful'. 'douchebag' of a little brother who didn't care about Dean, who had apparently never cared about Dean.. Not even once.. Not during any of the moments when he remained stoically silent as Dean verbally (and sometimes physically) tore into him or things he cared about, making, painfully, yet underhandedly, digging remark, after painfully, yet underhandedly, digging remark about him going off to college, about him doing 'too little, too late' when he had just been trying to mourn the loss of THEIR father as best as he could.. Not even when Dean had hit him because of how he had pointed out how Dean had formed an almost instant attachment to Gordon Walker, without even knowing the guy, just because he had missed their father.. And apparently the way he had cried and grieved and HURT every, single time he had, had to watch Dean die over the course of more than a hundred repeatedly looped Tuesdays along with the way it had torn his soul out when Dean died on a Wednesday, driving him past the edge of insanity and making him go on a vengeance filled quest to track down and kill the Trickster, had just been… What?… Nothing? And the way he had hugged Dean like he was trying to absorb him, just to keep him safe, the second he had realized that he had really broken the time loop for real, apparently didn't matter or count…

No… Because according to a few very adamant 'fans' of a book Series that only tells like a Quarter of HIS story, he doesn't love Dean and he knows that Dean thinks the exact same thing as those people.

One of the worst blows had hit him when he had read a few people's very scathing remarks about what he had said to Dean, when he had told Dean that if 'the situation was reversed and it had been him, that he would NOT have done the 'same thing' to save Dean'.. He was so stricken by what he had read… because now, according to these people who think they know him (and… Hello, they don't even know that he's actually real, let alone 'know him'), he's a rat bastard who'd just stand by and watch Dean die while doing absolutely nothing to save him.. Yeah, he'd been pissed when he had said what he had said to Dean, but he had NOT meant it like THAT, hell, he hadn't even realized that it could have been taken like THAT until he read what 'others' had to say about the way he had tried to tell Dean, that he wouldn't ever do what Dean did TO (not FOR) him, to Dean (hell, he wouldn't ever do that to anyone), all while holding back and not just outright saying what it is that he feels like Dean had done TO him, because he had been pissed, but he still hadn't wanted to hurt his own brother by flat out telling him that he had basically enabled and encouraged the repeated rape of his own brother, then to add insult to injury by then telling him that he had also, basically enabled and encouraged the gang rape of his own brother when HE decided to have Cass burn off his brother's Anti-Possession Tattoo so that Crowley could join in on the fun of forcefully invading his brother's body as well… Yeah… Because that would have just .. It would hurt Dean if Dean ever really took a second to think about the WHY of 'Why' his little brother was so hurt and pissed by what had happened..

But he couldn't tell Dean that he hadn't meant what he had said the way Dean thought he had meant it, because then Dean would want to know how he HAD meant it… Or, maybe Dean wouldn't want to know.. And that actually hurts to think that Dean might not even care enough to ask, so he keeps his mouth shut, like a coward, because both scenarios end in pain, because if Dean did want to know, he wasn't going to lie, which would hurt Dean and he really doesn't want to have to hurt Dean, just to finally be able to get this terrible truth off of his chest and if Dean didn't want to know, well, then he wouldn't be able to take the sting of knowing just how 'worthless' he and his increasingly non-existent 'voice' really is to Dean, because he's already watched his brother throw his love away, like it and everything that represented it was 'worthless' once and he honestly can't bear to have his emotions laid bare only to have them trampled like they didn't matter all over again, especially after everything he's been through in his life. Over the course of his life he'd had his faith in GOD and mankind shredded, he'd been shown that his love was 'worthless' and meant nothing, and he had come to realize that neither Dean nor Cass, respected or valued, him, his opinions or anything he could bring to the table in terms of helping to better 'their' 'team'.. Because HE is the bad, wrong little brother who will never be good enough and who will always make a mistake, no matter what choices he makes in life or how he had chosen those things because he had thought they were the right thing to do… But if Cass or Dean screwed up… Well, that's okay, because THEY aren't inheritantly evil beings that have had demon blood running through their veins from infancy and THEY'RE not the ones who actually sprang Lucifer from The Cage, no matter how they too also had something to do with how things had been able to get to that point, THEY hadn't been the ones to actually do the deed and pop the lock, so of course THEY could never be held accountable for their involvement, but HIM… Well, he was damn sure was held accountable for ALL OF IT, from the second he had been forced to swallow Azazel's blood he had become responsible and held accountable for anything and everything bad that happened afterwards… His mother's tragic death, his father's obsession, alcoholism, neglect, verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical abuse, the loss of his brother's childhood, the ruining of his father's and brother's lives, all that and more… It was all, his fault.

And he gets it. He does. SOMEONE has to be held accountable for how screwed up things turned out to be for the whole world and he doesn't mind bearing that accountability all on his own. But… No one ever said that he had to do that whilst sticking around to be treated like crap some more.

Dean wants 'this' to be a 'Dictatorship'… Fine… Dean wants to believe his own kid brother doesn't love him more than anyone or anything in the entire universe… Fine… All of the people who read the books about a quarter of his life want to think he deserves to be hated, to be punished all because he's not a good enough brother, son or soldier.. Fine.. He'll take all of the hate everyone has to give him, he'll take all the punishment he deserves and more.

But he is NOT doing that here.

There's a place that was specifically designed to punish HIM and he's going to go back there and leave the world to sort out it's own problems for once.. And Dean?.. Dean will no-doubtedly call him selfish and a coward and ungrateful, and for once Dean will be right about all of it, all while hating his little brother more than he's ever hated anything or anyone in the entire universe.

Because he's slicing into his own jugular and he's doing it for HIMSELF, he's doing it because HE chose to do it and he doesn't care what future had been written for him before now, because he's CHOOSING this one and taking himself out of the equation, out of the picture, out of the story, for good this time.

But how does he know that any of 'this' is even real?

Now that he has actually taken the time to really think on it… Think about the past four years.

How does he know that his 'hallucinations' of Lucifer back then hadn't been telling the truth?

After all Lucifer had promised that he'd never lie to him.

Lucifer had told him that this 'reality' wasn't real, then pointed out that he could rip Dean away at any time he wanted.

Then he'd spent a year thinking that he'd watched Dean die and found himself beginning to believe that Lucifer had done it… Had ripped Dean away from him all without breaking the illusion of this 'reality' that Lucifer had claimed was not in fact real.

Talk about the ultimate mind fuck.

But then Dean had come back.

Or had he?

Because if this reality wasn't real then he'd never really gotten free from The Cage , meaning that Dean was hopefully safe respecting his last request and living with Ben and Lisa..

And really..

How convenient is it that Chuck's 'new' work makes it's way out each week, but always managing to be too late to be any sort of warning for the future? How convenient is it that things for him 'seemingly' didn't end with him throwing himself, Michael and Lucifer into The Cage?

How convenient is it that he's able to read reviews of what readers of the Supernatural Book Series thinks of "Sam's" Character? How convenient is it that it's so very obvious that the Dean he has right now (because he's questioning this reality and he's not even sure that this Dean he has right now isn't just a product of Lucifer's newest methods of torture for him) feels the same way?

How convenient is it, that, that hurt his feelings, makes him second guess his reality and want to die?

He's starting to find comfort in the gentle caress of the abysmal darkness that's pulling him into it like a sweet loving embrace. It's like finding where home has always been all along. Home… It's always been hiding in the darkness waiting for him…. Waiting for him to accept that in the darkness is where he's always belonged… And then it dawns on him- because everything is so much clearer in death- that this everything over the last four years, even the most really crappy things that had ended up happening, had all been real.

He feels his soul weeping, because he hadn't know what would have been worse.. Finding out that he'd never left The Cage and the last four years hadn't ever been real… Or.. Finding out that the last four years HAD BEEN REAL which meant that Dean, his own brother had really enabled and encouraged an angel he hadn't known to FORCEFULLY possess his unconscious and vulnerable body and keep wiping his mind to have the ability to continue possessing him, then had enabled and encouraged a demon to also FORCEFULLY possess him, without caring to think about what that would do to his mind, body or soul.

But now he knows that finding out that it had all been real… Was worse. Because that meant that Dean really had done that TO him without caring about the fact that he had, had no REAL choice in the matter.

Dean's right… This is a dictatorship and he doesn't have to like it, because no matter what, that's how it's gonna be.. BUT… He also doesn't have to stick around for it either.

As he lays in a pool of his own blood, with his life ebbing away, he wonders how a dictatorship will work when there's only one soldier to rule over…

~0~

A/N: Last week after Dean killed Abaddon (Season 9 Episode 21 "King of The Damned.") and he was telling Sam that he had done what he did because "We couldn't afford to screw this up.", I heard an underlying "I couldn't afford to let you screw this up." In the non-verbal subtext of Dean's words and I think Sam did too and just chose to take it in stride, let it roll off his back and refuse to acknowledge the underhandedly, non-verbal subtext dig at him. And I just thought to myself "OUCH" that was seriously COLD man.. Then I thought about 'what if'.. What if Sam had started trying to find new updates to the Supernatural Book Series in an attempt to find out what his future might have in store or if he can make his own future, but the new books only go over what he's already said, done or decided no matter what he does, the books are always accurate and document everything he's done as recently as a week prior to the new posting, but what's written only supports Dean's Point Of View or Castiel's Point Of View and leaves out Sam's real thoughts and feelings, thus casting him in a bad light and making it look like he doesn't care about Dean, which starts messing with his thoughts and emotions.. And Sam's not exactly mentally stable right now… Thank about it… Sam spent over a hundred years in The Cage, meanwhile his soulless husk was walking around doing crap that helped make the rift between him and Dean even bigger, then his soul gets shoved back into that solless husk, a wall's built around his memories of The Cage and… PRESTO!... he doesn't have any clue that he's done crap that Dean's going to hold against him later even after swearing that it was a 'clean slate' between them.. Then the wall around his memories of The Cage gets broken making him start hallucinating a Lucifer that makes a very compelling case on how all of what's happened between him 'getting out of The Cage (the first time (when he was soulless)' and the first hallucinations, wasn't ever even real… So Sam starts questioning his reality, thinking that he might not have ever really gotten out of The Cage.. Then at the end of that year his 'stone number one' implodes into nothing but flecks of black goo/ooze right before his eyes, then his 'stone number one' miraculously comes back and is PISSED at him, then the Trials happen, then he's dying and in a coma and his own big brother makes the choice to allow an angel that he doesn't even know, let alone know whether or not they're really who they say they are to possess Sam and continuously wipe Sam's memory so that Sam can't eject them because he doesn't even know that they're there.. But then Sam's suddenly realizing that he's losing time… How would that NOT end up screwing with Sam's mind? Especially after what he went through with getting possessed by Meg and Lucifer and then having such bad hallucinations that he got from 'Point A' to 'Point B' without even really remembering/knowing how he got there because his freaking hallucination was the one that drove.. Then his brother is taking his decision to never do that to him as something personally offensive (**As if he doesn't know for a fact that IF Sam did the same crap to him as he did TO Sam, that he'd be pissed at Sam and calling him a rapist and a coward and the worst possible kind of traitor, ever**..) and it really seems like no one respects him or thinks that he or anything he says or feels has any real worth or value and all of his inner turmoil along with his uncertainty about his reality all starts to just work him down till he ends up killing himself just to finally remove himself from the story completely because it seemed to be more about what Dean or Cass thinks or feels while he's not even really much of present character in his own story, in his own life.. And there will be plenty of elaborations on a few things in the Sequel so don't worry this story isn't over yet.. Did you guys really think that I am actually gonna let Sam die?


End file.
